Kirby Vs Snorlax



''Kirby Vs Pokemon! These two loveable blobs love nothing more than eating and sleeping! SO LETS MAKE THEM FIGHT TO THE DEATH! MUAHAHAHAHA!!!!''

Intro
(Boss Prelude, 0:00-0:30)

All is dark, and quiet, save for the torches lining the castle hallways, and the ominous background music... okay, it isn’t entirely dark and quiet, but you get my drift. Anyway, we’re in a castle, and two lone Waddle-Dees with spears are guarding... wait, does it count as “lone” if there’s two of them? I never really... wait, I digress. Two puffballs, spears, guards. There. Done. Anyhow, the door bursts open, sending the guards flying and making cute squeaky toy noises when they hit the walls. Through the door marches none other than King Dedede, though he’s not his usual happy self. Behind him, Escargoon slowly slinks into the room and shuts the door, and the two make their way through the castle walls while Dedede goes over a stack of paper in his hands.

The first one on the pile is “PLAN A”. On it is a picture of a giant cannon pointed at a sleeping pink ball of cuteness, Kirby, the Star Warrior of Dreamland. Dedede grumbles and throws the paper away. The next one is “PLAN B”. No innuendoes this episode; the paper instead has a strawberry shortcake, with a lit fuse sticking out, stuck underneath a cardboard box propped up with a stick. Dedede grumbles and throws this one away too. “PLAN C” shows Dedede’s mask and mega hammer, but this gets thrown away too. More and more, Dedede looks over his plans, and keeps grumbling and throwing them away; he passes by a poisoned cupcake, an armoured robot, a giant vacuum cleaner, a trebuchet, a legally-safe knockoff of the Death Star, the Black Hole Generator from Heli-Attack 3, a frickin shark with a frickin laser attached to its frickin head, the Kanji for “Raging Demon”, Donald Trump, one of his Men’s Fitness magazines (let’s pretend we never saw that), him shaking hands with Bowser, Kylie Jenner giving Kirby a Pepsi, and finally, him stealing King Neptune’s crown. He yells out in anguish and throws that one away too, nearly hitting Escargoon in the face as the two enter his throne room.

(Silence)

Dedede: Augh!!! I swear, I’ve tried every plan in the books to get rid of that darn Kirby, and nothing has ever worked!!!

Escargoon: These are just the regular letters, Sire, have you gone through the backup scripts?

Dedede: Yes! Plan Ώ was good, Plan Ɣ was so close, but they all failed! I’m out of plans!

Escargoon: Have you gone through the emoji plans?

Dedede: ... You’re kidding me, right?

Escargoon: Sine emojis technically count as characters these days, we got the go-ahead from the Union to make more plans for them. Trust me, Human Resources isn’t happy about it, and neither am I.

Dedede: Well, it’s stupid, but if it helps us get rid of Kirby...

Escargoon: Here’s Plan (•_•)

Dedede: Plan (•_•), hm? Let me take a look?

Dedede takes the paper, and reads up on the details inside.

Escargoon: Well Sire, what do you think?

Dedede: Well, it’s worth a shot. Given my track record it’s probably going to fail, but why not at least give it a try. Plan (•_•) it is!

The fat ducky punches some numbers into a keypad beside his throne, and the giant TV monitor in the front of the room turns on... to a blank blue screen.

Escargoon: Oop. Wait a sec...

The snail servant picks up the TV remote and turns on the HDMI menu, and props it up to HDMI2, where the screen opens up to a familiar-looking man in sunglasses. You know how the rest goes:

Salesman (Did he ever have a name?): How can I help you, King Dedede?

Dedede: I need a monster to clobber that there Kirby!

Salesman: That’s what we do best at N.M.E!

Escargoon: You better get it with a money back guarantee!

Dedede: I want one of these!

King Dedede holds up Plan (•_•) to the screen, and the salesman who shall now be known as Bob, takes a look.

Bob: Hmm, one of those? You know they’re very difficult to control, right?

Dedede: I don’t need to control it, right? I just need a chocolate cake!

Bob: Hmm, all right.

Bob pushes a button, and a bright light appears out of the computer underneath the TV. The light transforms into a sphere, then cools off to reveal an Ultra Ball.

Bob: There you go! Now, are we going to discuss payment?

Dedede: Yup!

Escargoon pushes another button on the remote, and a giant anvil drops down from the ceiling onto Bob, who lets out a Whilhelm scream as he’s crushed. Duck and Snail walk up to the Ultra Ball and examine it.

Dedede: So, how’s it work?

Escargoon: It says slide to unlock...

Dedede: What the heck’s an Adobe Flash Player upgrade?



(Yarn Green Greens, 0:00-0:28)

In the bright and sunny skies of Dreamland, Kirby, everyone’s favourite marshmallow hero, is taking a stroll. He passes by a Broom Hatter, probably the dumbest enemy in any video game ever, a few chickens, and a few Lovelies bobbing their heads in the Spring Breeze. He also takes a stroll past Majin-Buu’s tombstone, before an aroma fills the air. Kirby’s non-existent nose takes a sniff, and takes in the pleasant smell of ... CHOCOLATE!!! Revving his feet up like Fred Flintstone, Kirby bolts off down the road, kicking up dust in his wake. He zooms along to find the source of the smell, until suddenly, something in his path blocks him and bounces him away with a record scratch.

(Attack on Titan Fight Theme, 0:16-0:26)

Confused, Kirby looks up to see a giant blue creature lying in his path, and taking a deep snooze: a Snorlax.

Pokedex: ''Snorlax, the Sleeping Pokemon. Snorlax’s typical day consists of nothing more than eating and sleeping. It is such a docile Pokémon that...''

(Yarn Green Greens, 0:25-0:46)

Kirby sucks up the Pokedex and swallows it before turning his attention to the obstacle in his path. He spits up a bubble containing a periscope, and holds it up over Snorlax’s belly; sure enough, there’s a freshly-baked chocolate cake just on the other side of the fat blub. Kirby tosses the periscope aside, closes his eyes, cracks his non-existent fingers, and tries to push Snorlax out of the way... to absolutely no success. A little ticked, he tries harder... and harder... and harder... but Snorlax doesn’t feel a thing, and keeps on snoring. Meanwhile, Dedede and Escargoon are watching from the sidelines, hidden underneath a cardboard box.

Escargoon: So, the plan is to get them to fight over the cake?

Dedede: Yup!

Escargoon: Not gonna lie, I expected more.

Readers of this page: Yeah, us too.

Dedede: Here we go, Kirby’s getting mad!

(King Dedede Theme Symphonic Metal, 0:03-1:03)

Sure enough, the pink puff has almost turned a scarlet shade of red. His face turns fierce, and he turns around and sucks up a nearby Knuckle Joe to transform into Fighter Kirby.

'''Announcer: LET’S GET THIS OVER WITH! READY!'''

FIGHT!!!
Who are you cheering for? Kirby! Snorlax! Draw! MP, this match is dumb. Wait, why does King Dedede have a Men’s Fitness magazine?

60

Kirby punches Snorlax as hard as he can with his fists multiple times, quickly speeding up the frequency of his blows to the point it looks like he’s spawned multiple fists. After hitting Snorlax a hundred times in just a couple of seconds, he follows it up with a roundhouse kick and a Shoryuken, but all that happens is his attacks bounce off of Snorlax’s blubber. Not stopping, Kirby discards Fighter and becomes Hammer Kirby; with his giant mallet, he smashes Snorlax on the side, on the belly, and even on the head, to no effect. Even after lighting the hammer on fire and swinging it like a golf club, Kirby can’t move the Kanto behemoth. Jumping up into the air, Kirby holds the hammer high, and it grows to the size of a house before the Star Warrior brings it crashing down; it bounces off of Snorlax’s blubber and sends Kirby flying away.

50

The sound of a motorcycle rips through the air as Wheel Kirby zooms back into play at top speed... only to once again harmlessly bounce off of Snorlax’s fat. Kirby gets up, pouts, and then pulls out a microphone and headphones.

Kirby: YAAAAHHH!!!

Nothing happens. Kirby then takes out a megaphone.

Kirby: YAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Still nothing. Finally, Kirby grows a Mohawk, and takes out a mike stand.

Kirby: (Death Metal screech I’m not even going to try and type out).

Snorlax finally... wait never mind, nothing happens. Kirby’s anger increases, to the point where he starts to pout.

40

Snorlax’s body continues to lie there snoring in the shade of the tree, before it is engulfed with a giant stream of flame. The flames recede, no damage. Then comes a massive breath of icy wind, freezing the giant in a block of ice. The ice breaks and falls apart, with Snorlax completely fine. A giant plasma ball is hurled at him, and sends sparks all over his body. No dice. A yo-yo is thrown at his head. It does literally nothing. A hundred ninja kunai strike his body, piercing his flesh like acupuncture needles. All it takes is an exhale to pop them out.

28

Kirby, now donning a sweet biker helmet, even tries to Falcon Punch Snorlax, but the giant doesn’t budge. Kirby takes off the helmet and throws it to the ground before stomping off; his squeaky footprints slowly grow quieter, then louder as he returns... carrying an uprooted Whispy Woods.

Whispy: Please don’t.

Kirby smashes Snorlax over the head with Whispy multiple times, sending a small shower of leaves and apples into the air as he plays whack-a-mole with the obstacle (can’t he just walk around?). When Kirby finally stops the abuse to listen, he hears Snorlax snore once again, and in anger, throws poor Whispy over the horizon.

16

Kirby sits down, and a tear forms in the corner of his eye. However, a thought bubble appears in his head, and in it, Kirby gets one last idea: the Miracle Fruit. He grabs the fruit from the thought bubble and eats it, and his skin suddenly glows with all the colours of the rainbow. With a massive inhale, Hypernova Kirby begins to suck everything in front of him towards his mouth with the force of a hurricane wind.

9

The trees bend; the grass shakes; enemies far beyond the hills fly over the horizon and into Kirby’s mouth. Snorlax’s body slowly begins to wiggle, and Kirby is on the verge of victory as it begins to slide forward, centimeter by centimeter...

4

Suddenly, a leaf drifts down from the sky and onto Kirby’s nose, and the Star Warrior sneezes; the force of the Hypernova sneeze sends everything he sucked in flying out, bends the trees the other way, and makes Snorlax flop over onto its stomach... on top of the cake, which is promptly squished.

OH.NO!!!
(Isolation, 0:00-0:48)

Kirby’s eyes grow as wide as physically possible, swelling up with tears, and he starts to sniffle. Back behind the cardboard, King Dedede and Escargoon both realize what’s about to happen.

Escargoon: Oh crap!

Dedede: Now we’ve done it!

Kirby begins to cry. Plopping down on his butt, he bawls as water streams out of his eyes in perfect arcs; thanks to his own recklessness, he had inadvertently destroyed that innocent, fresh chocolate cake, and now it was gone forever, never to be eaten. All the Dreamland creatures still in the area look sadly at Kirby, for they know his pain. Even King Dedede starts to sniffle at the sight of the crying marshmallow in the road.

Suddenly, but without Kirby’s knowledge, one of Snorlax’s ears perks up. Its body twitches, and then out of nowhere, the sleeping behemoth rises to a sitting position, and lets out a biiiiiiig stretch and a yawn to match. After a good scratch, it looks to the side and sees the crying Kirby. Confused, it looks down, and sees the mess of the former chocolate cake. Saddened, Snorlax looks at the mess, and then over to Kirby, before standing up. Waddling over to his “opponent”, Snorlax bends down... and pats him on the head. Kirby stops crying, and looks up.

Dedede: What’s he doing? He should be enraged right now!

Snorlax picks Kirby up in his hands, and plops him on top of his head. Kirby, a little confused, is too tired to do anything while Snorlax sniffs the air; upon picking up a suitable trail, he turns and starts walking off... to King Dedede’s castle.

(Silence)

Dedede: Wait? Where’s he going??

Escargoon: I think he’s going to your kitchen, sire!

Dedede: Oh no! Darn it you monster, get back here before I clobber you!

(King Dedede’s Theme Symphonic Metal, 0:00-0:05)

Dedede takes out his hammer and runs down the hill toward Snorlax, who turns around... and fires Hyper Beam. The beam hits Dedede point blank and sends him crashing into Escargoon, and both of them fly off into the sky.

(Silence)

Dedede and Escargoon: Looks like we’re blasting off again!!!

The two troublemakers gone, Snorlax carries his new friend Kirby up to the castle, where they find and gorge themselves on Dedede’s massive food stockpile.

Results
(Best of Friends, 0:12)

Anouncer: This Melee’s Winner is... Friendship!!!