ONE MINUTE MELEE: Squidward Tentacles vs. Nonon Jakuzure

Description
''2 Fighters! No research! 60 Seconds! Melee! Music notes will fly and glass will shatter in this deadly symphony!''

Interlude
ONE MINUTE MELEE!

WHERE ALL THE FIGHTS ARE SETTLED IN 60 SECONDS!

2 FIGHTERS! NO RESEARCH! 60 SECONDS!

MELEE!

MELEE!
Honnouji Academy

It was a dark-but-not-too-dark, eerie, ominous, gloomy day at the academy which Satsuki Kiryuin ran with an iron fist. The sun shone, but just barely as the mountain above cast a huge shadow above the academy.

You know... just like any. Other. Day.

Cue Honolulu March - SpongeBob Soundtack

From across the school gates approached an a figure of average height. Rather thin. Head was disproportionately large, especially the nose which flopped downward like a partially-inflated balloon. As the figure walked toward the school, one could see he was carrying several backpacks and luggage bags with him, though not seeming to weigh or slow him down despite his height and thinness. In his left... hand? was a black clarinet, though it certainly had a more cartoonish cone shape to it than a typical thin cylindrical shape.

His foot?steps squeaked and popped a little as the sound of suction cups pulling off of the ground could be heard. As he approached the light, aqua-green skin, a brown shirt, two big, ovular eyes with red-orange rectangular pupils became apparent. After a few seconds of marching toward the school with an eager look on his face, this man, or octopus, so to say, was none other than Squidward Tentacles.

"Ah, Honnouji Academy!" Squidward exhaled a breath of satisfaction and relief as he looked up into the dark sky, imagining himself in front of a large crowd of excited people as he played the clarinet masterfully. After he finished the concert in his mind, roses fell to him from various corners of the stage as he bowed and blew kisses to the audience.

The thought bubble disappeared as Squidward's big smile grew even larger as he ran toward the school's entrance - only to run face-first into something much larger than himself. Something rock-hard and in the way.

"And just where do you think you're going?!" yelled a huge brute of a man with a deep booming voice. This man wore a black-and-gold school uniform with three golden stars across the chest. His hair slicked-back blond hair and bloodshot eyes which angrily stared right through Squidward's. Squidward backed away slowly as he began to sweat profusely, clutching onto his clarinet for dear life.

"No, please! I just enrolled here!  You can look at my papers if you want-" Squidward frantically turned around, basically hyperventilating at this point, digging through his luggage. Suddenly, he heard a different voice - a squeaky, but somehow growling voice coming from behind him.

"Is that a clarinet right there?" the squeaky yet growling voice asked. At the drop of a hat, Squidward stopped sweating as he turned around, his frightened expression now turning excited. He saw in front of him a short woman dressed in the same black-and-gold school uniform as the muscular man. She had bubblegum-pink hair and a tall hat resembling that of a conductor's hat, and she had a devious expression on her face almost resembling that of a snake. This was Nonon Jakuzure, one of the Elite Four.

Squidward held up his clarinet proudly. "Yes it is!" Squidward exclaimed. "I came here to show this school true art in musical form." He told the schoolgirl, smiling with passion as he imagined himself receiving roses in front of an audience again.

"I am Jakuzure Nonon, and I'd like to test that "art in musical form" of yours!" Nonon screeched, her eyes widening with madness as her snake-smile curved upward in a huge grin. Suddenly, a gigantic concrete pillar rose up from beneath the two of them, and somehow the entire school got an eyeful of the two.

"Wait, what?" Squidward frantically shouted out, nervously shaking and sweating as he clutched onto his clarinet. He hadn't even taken off his backpacks yet.

"Symphony Regalia!" From the other side, Nonon became shrouded in a pink light as her clothes seemed to become invisible, with nothing but brighter pink lights to cover up her important places. Suddenly, her outfit became much larger and bulkier as a pink, heart-shaped mech-like suit formed over her, taking the shape of huge speakers which had to have been the size of Squidward's bedroom! Squidward stood face-to-face with the gigantic speaker of a uniform (which could hardly be called a uniform, as no one wears gigantic speakers), and pulled out his clarinet.

Sweet victory!

FIGHT!

Nonon raised her right arm, her hand holding a conductor's rod. "Let's begin with something kids everywhere could recognize!"

Cue Beethoven's 5th

The speakers from Nonon's outfit burst with a high-volume sound wave, creating a sonic boom which Squidward could just barely stand against. His head was falling backward as he leaned backward, trying to fight against the force of the sound. Squidward gripped onto his clarinet, though it seemed futile in the face of Nonon's huge soundwave.

Slowly but surely, Squidward raised up his left arm, bringing the clarinet to his mouth. With one large blow of his clarinet, a similar (but far less pleasant-to-the-ears) sound wave emitted from the cone of the instrument, with bubbles flying out of it as well. The two sound waves counteracted each other as Squidward pulled himself back to a standing position, then played a much louder note as Nonon's Beethoven song was beginning to quiet down as Squidward's sour notes started to drown out Nonon's masterful ones.

"Ow!" Nonon shouted out, covering her ears with her hands. Though she listened to loud music on a daily basis without suffering any sort of consequences whatsoever, Squidward's playing wasn't just loud - it was outright cacophonous! It was the most ear-bleedingly horrible music she had ever heard in her life! What made Squidward ever believe that he had any talent as a musician?

Squidward, suddenly gaining more of an edge in this musical battle, closed his eyes and leaned backward, really getting into his awful music. He couldn't even hear the audience collectively booing him all around.

"Stop that incessant pig-squealing this instant!" Nonon growled, her face getting large (for effect) like in anime. Suddenly, Nonon's speaker uniform grew even larger as heart-shaped holes in the speakers appeared. Then, with one wave of the conductor's rod, pink heart-shaped lights flew out like bullets, aiming toward Squidward.

Opening his eyes just for a second, Squidward turned to face Nonon and then let out a cartoonish scream as he saw the heart-shaped lights headed for him. Squidward continued his clarinet playing as he ducked and weaved underneath the heart-lights, but suddenly one hit him before he could react, pushing him toward the edge of the concrete pillar he was standing on. Just before Squidward could fall off of the pillar, he grabbed onto the edge with his right tentacle, holding onto his clarinet with his other tentacle.

Must I remind you all that he was still wearing his huge backpacks?

Struggling to keep himself atop the pillar (which had to have been like 100 feet off the ground, which wouldn't be a pleasant fall at all), Squidward threw his clarinet onto the top of the pillar, and grabbed the edge with both of his hand tentacles. With a mighty heave, he pulled himself atop the pillar, sweating and panting heavily while still struggling to stay up because of the loud music.

"That's it! Two can play at that game!" Squidward shouted, taking off his backpack. He unzipped the top of the backpack as he revealed a gigantic black, rectangular speaker, with a black cord that Squidward attached to his clarinet. "I'll show you the true meaning of talent!" Squidward then blew into his clarinet once more.

BOOM!

A huge sound wave emitted from the speakers, with bubbles flying out at Nonon's Symphony Regalia uniform. The heart-shaped projectiles dissipated upon contact with the bubbles as Nonon's symphony began to get quieter and quieter. Eventually, her music was completely drowned out by Squidward's cacophony of a concerto.

Taking advantage of Nonon's vulnerable state, Squidward pulled out a hat-like object with a miniature volcano upon it. In one quick motion, he tossed it upon his head as he pointed his head toward Nonon. "Krakatoa!" shouted Squidward, with hot lava shooting out of it and hitting Nonon's gigantic heart speaker. Her music stopped as the speaker began to melt down, with hearts flying out in every which direction except for Squidward's.

(End music)

Nonon gave an angry screech as her uniform started to melt... but then she gave her snake-like smirk once more as she coated herself in that same pink light as before. "Symphony Regalia Mk. II!" shouted Nonon, undressing in the blink of an eye once more. When her clothes reformed, two hexagonal speakers with the same three-star design appeared at her side, though they were much smaller than the heart-shaped speaker which appeared over her before. Two legs of a tripod appeared behind the speakers, standing them upright. She then looked Squidward dead in the eyes as she tried not to be affected by his absolutely horrid clarinet playing. Then, more heart-shaped lights and sound waves emitted from the speakers with a loud burst, tearing through Squidward's speaker. One heart hit Squidward directly, with his body being right in the center of the giant heart as the force knocked him against the back wall of the school, leaving a heart-shaped indentation on the concrete school wall.

"Ow..." Squidward groaned, rubbing the back of his head as he fell down onto the ground. His face was clearly battered and bruised, and his shirt was torn from the heart attack.

And worst of all, Nonon showed no signs of stopping as her music was getting louder and louder.

Suddenly, a cartoon light bulb appeared over Squidward's head as his eyes lit up. He reached into another one of his backpacks and opened up the zipper, pointing the backpack at Nonon. In an instant, hundreds of pink jellyfish flew out of the backpack and toward Nonon. Now, anyone who knows anything about the SpongeBob SquarePants cartoon knows. Jellyfish aren't into classical music. They like techno-dance-rave-electronic music.

Naturally, the jellyfish all headed toward Nonon and surrounded her, moving around in a circular motion. Nonon gave a confused expression as the jellyfish all circled around her, but then suddenly they all flew toward her in one quick motion.

ZAP!

ZAP!

ZAP!

ZAP!

(repeat that like 100 more times but like all at once)

Nonon cried out in pain as she felt her whole body starting to go numb from the jellyfish stings. There were sting wounds covering her body as she clenched her eyes shut from the pain. Then, with an angry growl she swung the conductor's rod downward as a huge burst of sound emitted from her position. The pillar she was standing on crumbled to dust, and each of the jellyfish was reduced to, well, jelly. She and Squidward faced each other on the ground, but Nonon's uniform looked as if it was beginning to give in from the stinging...

"Symphony Regalia Final!" shouted Nonon, glowing with a pink light once more. Suddenly, her clothes reformed... if you could call them clothes. Black sleeves with pink edges appeared over her arms, with only a tiny shirt covering only what mattered of her chest, leaving lots of room for underboob. Black thigh-highs with pink edges appeared on her legs, with a heart-shaped piece barely covering her crotch.

Kill la Kill, people.

To her side were small speakers with hearts in the center, and retained that same hexagonal shape.

On the other side, Squidward began to glow with a blue color. After a few seconds, he reformed into a more muscular figure, with a music note on his brown shirt. Two music note-like antennae appeared to either side of his head as he became the superhero, Sour Note.

FINAL CONCERTO...

FIGHT!

Squidward blew into his clarinet, and Nonon swung the rod downward. Immediately, a huge burst of sound encompassed all of Honnouji Academy. The students all watched with excitement as Squidward fired bullet-like bubbles at Nonon, who was firing a bullet hell of heart-shaped beams from her speakers.

Blow for blow, bubble for heart light, the two were completely unable to hit each other. The music got louder and louder, until suddenly everyone listening (including you, the reader) went momentarily deaf and all that could be heard was a ringing sound. However, Squidward and Nonon were still firing their attacks, when suddenly Squidward reached into his pocket and pulled out a Krabby Patty.

While Nonon was still distracted, Squidward hurled the Krabby Patty at Nonon. She swerved her body to the side to avoid the burger hitting her, but the delicious sea burger instead hit the speaker on her right. Suddenly, the music became distorted and droned as the hearts stopped firing at Squidward. Her eyes widened with fear as an onslaught of bubbles came her way, which then all exploded upon contact in a burst of sour notes.

BOOM!

Nonon flew up into the air, then landed back down in a crater as her clothing was completely destroyed (though it was all censored conveniently in one way or another). Smoke emitted from the exhausted Elite Four member as Squidward went back into his base form. The audience gave a negative, booing reaction as they all threw tomatoes at the octopus.

"Hey! None of you would appreciate art if it hit you on the foreheads!  You probably couldn't tell an oboe from an elbow!" Squidward then chuckled. "Heh. Oboe.  Elbow.  Band humor."

K.O.!

This melee's winner is...

Squidward!