Max Payne vs. John McClane is Season 2 Episode 18 of DraconicA's One Minute Melees. Warning: this fight contains NSFW language. Reader discretion is advised.
Description[]
The everyday cop with nothing left to lose. It's a trope that has existed since cops have been put into movies and games. That being said, sometimes, the "Nothing left to lose" part is a slight exaggeration. Other times, it's quite accurate. What would happen when Max Payne takes on Die Hards's John McClane?
Intro[]
One Minute Melee!
Where all the fights are settled in 60 seconds!
2 Fighters!
No Research!
60 Seconds!
MELEE!!!
Go!
(Cue Character Select Remix; 0:00-0:10)
Player 1 moves from Indiana Jones to Max Payne. Player 2 moves from T-1000 to John McClane.
Ready?
Yes.
(Character Select Remix fades out.)
Fight[]
The Nakatomi tower is being held up by terrorists. Three of the terrorists are keeping a watch on a hostage. They look around themselves to make sure that nobody tries to do something unwanted that could hinder the plan. Suddenly, three gunshots could be heard, with three bullets going into the three guards’ heads. The shooter walks towards the hostage, revealing himself to be Max Payne. He is about to help the hostage up when he hears gunshots from across the floor. The hostage runs off and into a stairwell.
From around the corner from where the gunshot was heard, another figure appears. This is John McClane, who was here just to see family. He walks forward, holding his gun in front of him, before Payne rises above his cover and aims at McClane, who is quick enough to aim at Payne as well.
Payne asks, “Willing to throwdown, cowboy?!”
McClane responds, “Well, if you wanna throwdown, then Yippee-ki-yay, mother fucker!”
It’s a good day to die hard!
Payne jumps out of cover and fires in midair.
FIGHT!!!
(Cue Spencer's theme; 0:06-1:06)
60
McClane leaps behind a desk as Payne rolls on the ground towards him. McClane vaults over the desk, managing to kick away Payne in the process. Payne springs back up and fires, forcing McClane to roll in close. Once close, McClane punches Payne across the face. Payne returns by pistol whipping McClane atop the head.
54
McClane comments, “Why didn’t I just do that?” and slams his gun’s but into Payne’s chin. Payne returns by kicking McClane to the side before grabbing his gun-holding arm and running him into a wall nearby the staircase, holding the arm behind McClane’s back. McClane loses his grip on his gun, causing it to fall to the ground.
49
Payne kicks McClane in the shin before throwing him into the door frame. McClane falls onto the floor before rolling to the side to dodge a shot from Payne. McClane sweeps at Payne, but Payne jumps over it.
46
Payne asks, “You do know you missed, right?”
McClane responds, “You do know that I wasn’t going for you, right?”
McClane uses his foot to drag his gun towards him before picking it up and shooting Payne, getting him in the arm. Payne resists the pain and kicks McClane towards the window. Payne then fires at McClane, who ducks under the fire, letting the bullets make holes in the window. However, Payne stops firing when he hears a click with no fire from his gun.
Out of bullets.
40
With Payne being distracted, McClane rushes towards Payne, who just grabs him and tosses him onto the floor in front of the window. Payne kicks McClane through the window, causing it to shatter and almost making McClane fall.
37
McClane is able to hold onto the edge with his open hand and uses his gun’s last few bullets to fire into the window under him, allowing him to swing in, accidentally knocking a terrorist onto the ground in the process. McClane snaps the terrorist’s neck and takes his gun, a 9mm handgun, for himself.
33
Payne reloads before heading towards the staircase. He leaps down the stairs and rushes towards a desk before looking behind it, just to not find McClane. Instead, McClane pops up behind a desk across from Payne and fires, forcing Payne to leap to the side. Payne then leaps forward and fires a few bullets, one of which manages to land in McClane’s leg.
25
McClane rolls further under the desk and Payne comes closer. As soon as Payne is in view again, McClane fires into his leg before rolling over and pinning him to the ground. McClane puts his gun up to Payne’s head and fires… just to discover that this one is out of ammo now, as well.
19
Payne flips on top of McClane and snaps his arm. McClane pushes through and breaks free of Payne before grabbing him by the arm holding his gun and breaking it. McClane grabs Payne’s gun right as Payne kicks him away. McClane retreats behind another desk.
15
Clicking noises could be heard behind the desk as Payne walks towards it, pushing past his injuries. He gets ready to vault over the desk when McClane comes out, huffing. Before McClane could do anything, Payne grabs his gun and shoves McClane next to another window.
8
Before Payne could even get his finger on the trigger, McClane rises up and grabs Payne’s limping arm, tugging him to the side and kicking him into the window. Payne springs back up as soon as possible.
2
The two pull up their guns.
1
Payne pulls his trigger first.
0
(Silence)
The gun clicks.
Out of ammo, for the last time.
McClane shoots Payne in the chest.
K.O.!
Payne falls through the window and falls all the way down, further than McClane would care to see.
McClane comments, “Heh, he didn’t even realize that I switched the bullets!”
Results[]
(Cue Let It Snow)
This melee's winner is... John McClane!
Trivia[]
The use of Let It Snow as the victory screen music is in reference to the first Die Hard, where the song played over the movie's resolution.